Working with Resistance
It is easy to attach to outcomes.
You work hard.
You’ve done a lot of healing work.
You’ve been around the block a few times.
You’ve purged some heavy demons.
You’ve faced fears.
You’ve grown, healed, achieved.
You are invested in your own and others’ transformation.
And yet.
You find yourself now at an altogether new crossroads.
So, why do the same old patterns you’ve dealt with show up again and again?
When you are approaching a new level of your own healing, old patterns will surface.
Old patterns show up to slow you down and have you look at what needs attention.
When you are caught in a cycle of unconscious patterning, forward momentum can feel impossible.
It can feel like you are regressing.
It can feel like your life is moving in reverse.
And brings with it a belief that what you truly want for yourself is never going to happen for you.
I have been there many times.
If you are facing some deep, heavy, scary resistance and are having trouble seeing a way through it, I want you to know you are not alone. I promise you.
I know this place of feeling frustrated and lost so well. I see you and feel with you. And I know that this phase of the journey is an important one for you.
This is the phase of being in the unknown. It is your own fertile void that holds the soul seeds of transformation for your life.
What you are feeling, the confusion, the disorientation, the questioning, the dissolving, the disappointment is all part of being in the womb of creation.
It is cosmic.
It is unconditional.
It is a necessary part of the process for real change.
It is when those past patterns show up and rear their ugly heads.
And most of the time, the first thing that is needed is to stop trying to change yourself or push away the pattern.
What often is needed first is enough space to acknowledge for yourself that you are in fact in a challenging pattern.
The first challenge is accepting the struggle.
The second challenge is feeling safe enough in your body to stay with the deep emotional process that is working itself on you.
Can you notice the resistance?
Can you identify how you avoid feeling it?
Can you return to your body and notice the sensations and emotions that come up for you?
Sometimes you can stay present to access the deeper meaning and insights that are available in your process.
And sometimes you can’t.
For me the most important practice to feel centered, grounded and empowered in my own emotional process has been cultivating my inner ability to discern when I can and cannot hold myself in presence. Ot when I can or cannot accept support.
I ask myself: “Can I hold myself through this or NOT?”
I ask myself: “Do I need support?”
And then…
I ask myself: “What kind of support do I need for this?”
I ask myself: “Who do I reach out to when this is happening?”
For years I resisted asking for support.
I wanted to be alone and do it on my own. I did not trust there was support for me. I also feared the response I would get if I did ask.
Can you relate?
What I have learned is sometimes you have access to your own inner guidance and sometimes you don’t. There are moments when you don’t have enough of yourself to access the clarity and perspective you need to make an informed choice.
And this doubt is 100% valid.
Doubt is the seed that sprouts deeper trust and support from within.
In moments of confusion, doubt, and overwhelm be gentle and honest with yourself. Be compassionate and caring with yourself. Consider what kind of support could be truly helpful for you here.
And if it’s hard to be gentle with yourself notice that this might be your indicator of the need for support.
A positive choice, an empowering choice, means something that will lift the physical and emotional stress enough so that the situation and you can move forward.
When you can make the choice to receive, support from someone who can hold the space of inquiry with you, there is a better chance of you seeing your next move with greater allowance and self-acceptance. The practice of receiving how someone else is able to hold the space for you unconditionally is invaluable. This enables you to strengthen yourself, see yourself, feel yourself, and receive yourself more clearly, without the stress of trying to figure it all out on your own.
Reaching out for support is not easy.
It is a practice.
It’s scary.
When you are sensitive in relationships, have a history being dominated, or having your needs dismissed, reaching out for support can feel like a risk you are not willing to take.
What if I am dominated or dismissed?
What if I am judged or criticized, betrayed or wronged?
What if this person can’t help me the way I know I need?
What if I am disappointed and feel even more alone?
No one wants to feel judged or rejected when they reach out for support.
No one wants to feel even more disconnected after they express the tenderness of their true needs.
And…
When you find a safe space to slow it all way down, PAUSE and take a closer look you can invite more of yourself in. You can remember there are people who care. You can feel you matter. You can connect in with your body and truly feel into what you need.
It is these moments that true self-awareness unfurls and healing becomes possible.
New and different choices become possible.
For your process with resistance to bear a clear path, a patient guide who can meet you unconditionally is of great value.
The efficacy of a healer is not in the modality used, but in their embodiment, and in the benevolent consciousness that wants to come through the shared space between you.
The one who can guide you through your questioning, your doubts, your hopes and fears, is ultimately you. And yet to do this, we can derive great benefit from a guide who has been there before.
A witness.
Someone who can see you and the process you are in. Someone who can recognize and name how the path is unfolding. Someone who supports the way of healing in the relationship.
You are your own best healer and guide. And transformation is a journey we cannot complete on our own. It is a journey we share.
When you are working with resistance and your usual methods of coping aren’t working anymore this is your indicator to pay attention. Take space. Take time. Old patterns coming undone may overwhelm you with questions. With this comes a new path and new skills are required.
Whatever the current situation is it is growing you and chances are the answers you seek are within you.
The answers you need will arise when you allow yourself time to sit in the questions themselves.
Insights reveal, not because you demand them to, but as you work your process.
Trust that… you will learn the fall is giving way to a restructuring of what no longer works for you. You will meet the parts of yourself that stubbornly hold the pattern in place. You will learn how to make clear requests for the support you need. All of this becomes more present for you as you accept your own inward journey.
And along the way you may find you have much more forgiveness and compassion to allow yourself.