Finding Sacred Ground
Life has been so very busy lately.
It seems every minute I think I’ve caught up with time my attention has already been called elsewhere.
In April my grandfather passed away and in June my stepmother Carol transitioned.
It is profound to witness the preciousness of connection in life as death slowly abides.
Two deaths in a family moves a lot of emotion and changes the architecture of relational dynamics. I don’t feel I have yet given reflection its proper due.
While all of this was happening, we also decided to move for a second time in just under two years. A very welcome change to be sure, but nonetheless very time consuming without many moments to spare.
I have missed so much the mornings of wild unbridled TIME. When I could simply roll out of bed in the morning, sit for meditation, and write for two hours or more without interruption.
Those days feel long gone since my “new” life here in the Midwest started.
It seems life has different lessons for me now.
When before I needed to learn independence, self-sufficiency and creative empowerment in my work and business, now my life is teaching me about personal relationships, how to grow through more vulnerability, and be in the world in an entirely new way.
It is teaching me about who I am in relationship and this teaches me how to honor myself more deeply.
It is teaching me how to be myself again, or maybe for the first time learn what that is in a real way.
It is teaching me how to be a partner, conscious and caring, and not lose myself in relationship. It is teaching me how I feel about being a new part of a family, now as a step parent. It is teaching me about discipline and devotion when it comes to my creative practice, and running a business full-time, while also balancing a full personal life.
Old habits die hard though and I long for unstructured creative time. When I can languidly wrap myself around an idea, gestate for a while, and carefully craft the words that will hold it to the light in the world.
The luxury of creative time, and my love affair with it, feels hidden away somewhere, longing, one day, to be found.
And yet within these last poignant changes, of death and transition, I have found myself in altogether new rhythm.
Despite what feels like less time to myself, and more time in relationship with others, which I’ve welcomed whole heartedly, I have found a renewed sense of devotion to my spiritual practice, daily rituals that give back to me in solid blocks of sacred time, and a self-care routine that feels deep and precious, rare and illuminating, and challenging to keep!
These minutes to hours are so dear to me. Giving me spaciousness to tend to my work, care for my clients, and develop new projects that feel full of new creative life force.
In the last two years I have continually faced where it is most challenging for me to remain rooted in myself. To feel myself strong, and self-directed enough, to be in a healthy loving relationship.
I’ve had to be more honest about my time and attention and how I spend it. More honest about my true needs, what my creative process needs, and what I value in life.
And it is directly because of these challenges I have grown stronger and much clearer despite my dominant tendency to second guess myself under pressure and people please.
Finally, today, I find myself again standing sure footed at an entirely new precipice of change. A new place, a new town, a new home, ready for multiple new beginnings. Longing to set strong healthy roots down for new ventures, projects, and collaborations.
There is excitement and newness in a way I have not felt in years. Tender and raw, open and willing, and curiously unknown.
After two years of searching for myself in this new life, I have found sacred ground under my feet. I savor the quiet creative time here on my own and relish the time for rest and reflection.
I feel humbled by the journey. Never wanting to take for granted the little miracles that grace my path when I least expect it.
It’s not always easy to remain aware of the unseen support in your life, or believe in that spirit has your back at all, but she does. And it’s so worth it to remember. When you really let it in.
It might feel like you’re juggling any eternity of to do tasks, but when you stop the merry-go-round, and you REALLY FEEL yourself and ask: “What is most important to you right now?” - the answer you receive is the one you might give a listen to.
So, here’s what I’ve walked away with for myself these last few months:
Relationships grow you in a way you could never be prepared for. Keep things simple. Focus on what is truly important. Release the unnecessary. Spend more time in nature.
Live your life to the fullest.