Sleepless Nights

Last night I woke at 2AM.

Totally awake. 

I know these nights pretty well by now.

They show up anytime a big layer of the old self is letting go and a very tender layer of the new self is emerging. 

I know this process well. I know it by the way I feel. 

I feel vulnerable and afraid. Tender and sensitive.

I’ve grown to recognize these moments as pivotal and necessary. 

When I first started experiencing these sleepless nights I was in my 20s living an artist’s life. Working as a bartender, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Seeking purpose. Both in love with and overwhelmed by what New York City had to offer me.

I drank too much coffee. Smoked too may cigarettes. Unaware of how my lifestyle was affecting me. I suffered terrible panic attacks. In a way that left me reeling. Unable to understand what was happening to me.

Why was this happening?

What I didn’t know at the time was that my anxiety was a symptomatic result of a deeper truth trying to surface. My lifestyle was not supporting me in the way I needed and my intuition was trying to tell me that.

I remember the day someone helped me see that I could actually live without panic. That I could work through anxiety and move my inner state from feeling completely overwhelmed to grounded, calm, clear. 

This changed everything.

And for the first time in my life I recognized I was on a healing path.

I also knew that what I was seeking was a more integrated, whole body approach, that would help me learn how to take care of myself and make more empowered choices for my life.

I had to engage the process, not simply expect it to fall in my lap.

I had to work for it.

I did not have the luxury of taking time out of my busy, overworked, schedule.

I had to make the time to find the resources.

I had to fully commit.

I had to show up for myself.

I had to learn how to heal to transform my life.

Healing takes commitment.

But it also requires a great deal of self-compassion.

Without compassion we still reach for perfection and expect that one day we will be “fixed".

Healing happens when we can give ourselves copious amounts of PATIENCE. 

When we learn to be SENSITIVE with ourselves.

When we can FEEL our feelings.

Healing is perseverance while keeping faith that the unknown will guide you into new levels of trust in yourself.

When these sleepless moments wake me from the middle of the night now, I know that whatever is unknown to me in my life is calling my attention. I know in my bones something deeper is calling me inward. To notice, to listen, to hear the substance of mystery.

I have learned over and over again how to tend to these moments with my full attention.

When I devote my full attention to my inner state something new and unexpected happens.

Insight guides me to a new layer of truth through feeling and need.

I know by now that if I am awake at 2 AM my body is trying to tell me something. My body is letting me know something is on the move underneath the surface.

So, rather than just be frustrated with the restless chatter of my mind —- I lean in, I pay attention, and devote myself to what I don’t know. I make a cup of tea, cover my legs with a blanket, sit on my meditation cushion, and commit to the stillness long enough for a shift.

I breathe. I listen. 

I learn how to see in the dark all over again.

When we can access the simplicity of practice it yields a far greater need: our humble attention.

Yes, I may be tired. And yes my mind is racing with a million thoughts I cannot tend to all at once. And time feels like it’s moving too quickly for me and all I want is time to slow down.

And then…

I remember. 

I can slow down.

If I stay with myself, stay with my breath I can commit to the way my body is telling me what I need. And discover what is actually needing my attention in the moment. I can listen in to what is speaking to me. That subtle voice from within offering me direction and clarity. 

Last night was no different. 

As I sat through the heaviness, the tiredness, the nothingness, the busyness of my mind, I could feel with eventual strength the center of my body emerge. 

I followed the deep belly breaths into my core and connected. 

I felt a sense of relief. 

The structure of my body was breathing, in tact, holding me. It was something real I could count on. I could now feel myself come in and come home. 

Grounded. Centered. Awake and Aware. 

Now I could find where I was holding tension.

Now I could tend to where my body was holding stress. 

Now I could feel the feelings I hadn’t allowed myself to feel all day. 

Oh… here is the inner part of myself that has been kicking and screaming for my attention.

Oh here… I am in touch with the need underneath my defense.

Oh now… I can give myself what is needed because I am in touch.

I gave time to the part of me that had been kicking and screaming.

I gave myself gentleness and listening. 

The part of me that has been feeling invisible, unlovable, untouchable, overworked, and I gave to myself.

I practiced receiving the attention and care I needed.

Slowly, carefully, I drop in deeper and allow this undeniable need for self connection to be felt, to anchor in. I recognize, now, what happened.

How even after all these years of practice it is still be so easy to lose connection with myself.

Tending to others, my partner, my clients, my family, my business all can still compete with my ability to stay with myself. 

I may still doubt and wonder how will I hold it all with greater ease as I change, but now I know how to be with it. How to sit in the unknown and receive the truth of the moment.

When deep changes are underway, when you feel the nudge, it may be time to pay attention.