Softer Under Pressure

I was single for a long time before I met my husband Alex.

I was independent and passionate. Committed to my work. I could do the hard things. I could be alone. I didn’t think I needed much from other people. I was self-sufficient.

Yet, underneath it all there was a longing. An ache from within that deeply wanted loving partnership.

It felt odd to me that I could love life so intimately, feel so big hearted, and, at the same time, feel so separate from other people. I had such a deep capacity to feel, I could sense others easily, I could allow space for their feelings, yet for myself letting others in was difficult, sometimes excruciating. 

When it came to letting others in, letting them see me, I would feel an elusive freeze take over throughout my whole body. These weren’t people trying to harm me, these were people offering care, kindness, and attraction, and my inner response was to brace ever so subtly.

And I didn't know why.

As I slowly got to know this place within myself through somatic work, energy based practice, and craniosacral therapy training, I recognized an undeniable paradox of wanting connection and staying away from it. I also got to know when my defenses would trigger and where my sense of shame and embarrassment lived in my body. I was afraid of being seen. I was far from being known in the way I wanted to be known.

And I was reaching for someone to notice.

Maybe they’d see something they did not like, realize I was not worth getting to know, or find a fault with me that would turn them away in repulsion. Though these thoughts did not make sense to me on a conscious level, or follow the logic of what I was actually experiencing in relationship to others, the feelings deeper down did not lie.

Until I was able to notice this, truly slow down and feel it, I knew that nothing much was going to shift in my dating life.

It took time to recognize and admit to myself that there was something here I could not resolve on my own. 

I needed to bring these feelings out into the open - into dialogue. I needed to name them with someone. I needed to do this with someone I could trust. Someone who could hold the relational container well enough so that I could share honestly and they could reflect back to me the territory I was in.

Our relational wounds cannot be healed in isolation. 

It took me years of showing up an anxious mess in healing training, after healing training, after healing training, not knowing if I would ever be able to feel a sense of ease with acceptance or belonging, to finally realize that I had a sufficient amount of patterns around relating with others that needed tending. 

What helped me see this (and heal this) was, consequently, being a dedicated part of these intentional communities and facilitator trainings. Showing up when a large part of myself did not want to, letting myself lean in, truly lean into the discomfort, and learn that, what my younger self had organized around connection, authenticity, and intimacy, was not ultimately true. 

Connection does not have to come at the cost of your authenticity. 

It can be safe (nourishing and even pleasurable) to be seen, held, and heard.

There are people who are kind, who deeply care, and will welcome you with presence and sensitivity no matter what you’ve got going on inside or think is wrong with you. And frankly these people, when they are the right people for you, will respect you more for being vulnerable about it.

The more I leaned in and learned about the ways I would wall off connection, affection, softness, love, the more courageous I became in exploring different kinds of connection in relationships. I was able to go out on dates and meet people with much less self-doubt and intimidation, and much more discernment, confidence and ease. 

I was able to soften under pressure.

I’m not going to be the one to tell you it was easy, because it wasn’t. Relationships are complex and dynamic. People are not always aware or sensitive to who you are or what you need. You may not always know what it is that is making you feel uncomfortable.

And there is a way to move through the challenges of being sensitive in relationships with much more self-knowledge and care.

I did not not have all my issues resolved before partnership showed up nor did I feel exceptionally ready or more complete. I just knew myself better. I knew my strengths and weaknesses better.

I became willing enough to be seen. 

Step by step, I observed what happened next. Testing the waters, getting closer, moving away, expanding my capacity for the incredibly uncomfortable not-knowing-if-this-is-going-to-work feeling. Eventually moving into greater comfort in allowing myself to be held and connected to with more safety, honesty, and trust.

You can go so far on your own in therapy. What really makes the difference is actually experiencing situations where how you relate comes alive and what you need to feel safety and trust becomes part of the conversation. The triggers reveal what the two of you will work on together.

When a mutual respect and trust is felt between you softening is there for both of you. 

It takes the presence of another person to show you where the walls are. As subtle or vulnerable or afraid as those deeper places inside are, they want to be known, they want to find a home within you. 

It isn’t so much about meeting the right person, rather it’s about recognizing what the conditions of the relationship need to be (how the two hold and respect their love) to allow a whole new level of unfolding to begin for both of you.

Every relationship brings you closer to truth. There is a gravity to it.

Relationship is a mirror, teacher, portal, poet, a soft place to land, and a charnel ground all in one. 

For better or for worse, if we are paying attention and working our process, we will touch gold as we witness our stiff getting stirred. We will finally see it’s time to let it all hang out and tend to what’s been left unmet, unloved, and unresolved within you.

We don’t always move towards what’s easier, instead we learn how to move towards what’s hard.

We get to see - where we are still defended -where we throw up our walls - where we still mistrust - where we feel insecure - where we let love in and why we push it away.

We learn we we can soften under pressure. 

We learn that softness is not a weakness, but a radical way of being. 

Yours for the journey,

Andrea Maxine

P.S. For those of you who feel like you are at an edge in your current relationships, feel highly sensitive in your relationships and don’t know what to do with that sensitivity, have patterns around connection and intimacy you want to shift, and want to trust your intuition more in relationships please join us inside this group.

Starting April 9th we will explore your relationship to connection, intimacy, and self—through healing, somatics, and energy-based practices.

This group focuses on exploring how we navigate change in a real, grounded, and supportive way. It also offers a space for individuals working through relational and attachment wounds to engage in healing within a relational and self-aware context.