The Courage to Be Yourself

When I first became aware that I was dissociated from my body, I’d been living like that for decades.

It was in my mid 30’s when my body finally would not let me off the hook.

I was managing panic attacks regularly, a low level constant anxiety accompanied me throughout my days, along with strange spurts of insomnia, difficulty breathing and migraines, not to mention extreme emotional mood swings and very painful menstruation.

My professional work with others brought my own need for personal healing into even greater focus. I could not fake it if I was not feeling well enough to show up for my clients.

My body demanded my attention in ways I could no longer ignore.

I knew I needed something, but I did not know what it was. I struggled to feel grounded, relaxed, and at ease most of the time. Moving from adrenaline more than calm and contained focus. The only time I found relief was either in receiving my own healing sessions or giving healing sessions to others.

I was living in a constant state of overwork and overly-compensating for where I felt the lack - lack of energy, lack of support, lack of resources.

That’s when I met my teacher Ron. He would be the one who taught me how to stay with myself, know how to facilitate my own process, AND trust it enough to STAY IN MY BODY.

He was one of the only male teachers I chose to work with and one of the first men in my life that modeled a healthy capacity to hold his own power.

He taught me how to stay with myself and feel safe in my body again. He helped me recognize my survival patterns and held the ground of presence long enough for me to learn how to come back to myself on my own terms.

When we first met I didn’t know what I was up against. The upwelling effects of my past trauma evaded me. I thought I had healed. I thought I had dealt with my past. I thought I understood my anger and my grief.

But the messages my body sent me told a different story and I was ready to heal what was holding me back.

You can learn how to feel safe again in your body. You can regain the parts of you that you thought might never reappear. When loving presence is there holding the space, and  there is trust on both sides of the relationship, your anger is the catalyst and your grief a portal - back to the SELF your soul had you searching for in the first place.

Looking back I realize how pivotal those years were. I got in touch with my real anger (even my rage), learned how to sit in the fire of my own emotional volatility, and skillfully work with emotions turning them from enemies into guides.

I embraced the embodied process of deeper emotional healing and slowly unwound the childhood sexual trauma that I did not know I had the courage to face. I finally experienced safety and trust with a man who could hold his power as a teacher and friend gracefully and respectfully.

Ron was a pivotal teacher for me. He taught me that trust could be found in relationships with others as much as I could access safety and trust within myself.

I became more self-accepting and a better healer as a result. I could hold others as deeply as I had felt held myself.

Learning to work with my anger changed my life. It gave me a way to recognize when I was out of bounds with myself and others. It taught me about healthy boundaries. It gave me my sense of self trust back.

Out of all the emotions anger is perhaps the most difficult for many of us. And, when skillfully guided, it can be the one that liberates us the most from what holds us back. 

In today’s current volatility working with our own emotions is a skill we all need and can benefit from. Emotional healing requires awareness, a steadfast presence with one’s self, and an ability to be witnessed and held.

Safety and trust are essential.

Learning how to navigate the boundaries of your own safety and trust in relationship is the practice of your own courage at work. Facing your fears of being seen and knowing what it feels like to be safely seen is part of the healing journey.

May you be supported in ways that liberate you. May you know the depth of your own presence and power is both welcomed and celebrated. May you have the courage to be yourself - in unbridled and beautiful ways - and continue to shed what no longer serves you.

Yours for the journey,

Andrea